Why do people press and ask "Why?" when you tell them no to something?
People who like to ask why to their friends, family and partners, why?
Good response when someone asks "why" to you about something?
expressions - Asking 'why are you asking this to me?' - English Language Learners Stack Exchange
I can't just be me right? I hate it when I tell somebody no, or I don't want to do something that they themselves want to do and they keep asking why or just pressing me about details. I can't tell if it's out of curiosity, malice, wanting me to change my mind, or something. I don't mind talking about how I feel or what I'm thinking, but the way it's asked always make me feel kind of cornered.
So, I notice that some people (family and friends) has this habit of unnecessarily asking why to some of my habits/preferences/actions. Mind you, these are not things I do which endangers other. Let's say, I don't eat something which people commonly eat and not a common allergen, for me, its obvious its a matter of preference. But some people still asks why. Or other times, like choosing to buy a handbag, or choosing to do one task over the other first, or having a coaster on my table, or choosing to drink something warm instead of cold and people asks why?
I feel like I am asked to justify my actions/choices with all these whys. These are people who in general, I adore and care about but the whys are annoying. Hence, when answering these questions, I tend to sound stand offish with my 'why not?'
If anyone has this habit of asking why or understands why they are doing this, please help me understand from their POV.
I have a friend who will ask "do you mind if I ask why?" in response to me saying I have to go or why I can't do something, and it's very annoying and I can't quite figure out a good way to deny him an explanation. Any advice?
OP's query is
Basically, I want to know the reason and purpose behind this question. How can I ask this formally and politely? Can I say, what is the purpose of inquiry?
The polite way to ask is:
"Could you please tell me why you need this information?".
The real problem is what you would do if the other person insisted on knowing facts that you consider uncomfortable to divulge.
Then you should know how to say no to others and not feel guilty.
Some adults have never learnt to say no; it's a childhood trait. Children are encouraged to be courteous and forthcoming from a young age. Saying no to a parent or teacher when they requested the child to do something was considered backtalk.
You must say no in these circumstances for your own good.
1.If you're uneasy..
No one is more aware of your boundaries than you are. Saying no could be necessary if you are asked to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
2.You sense obligation or guilt.
Saying no can be particularly challenging in professional settings. It could be a question from your superiors.
3.If the request goes beyond what you can personally accept.
Saying no to someone when they ask you something that is outside of your comfort zone . Your boundaries are worth standing up for.
4.If your sole purpose in responding is to appease someone else..
Although gaining the approval of others is a natural motivation to complete things, it shouldn't be your primary driving force. It is not worth it to compromise your pleasure and wellbeing in order to appease someone else.
The answer probably depends on where you are. Where I live "why do you ask" would be considered polite, "why do you want to know" a little less polite, "why are you asking me" considerably less polite. It would probably sound old-fashioned in most places, but one could say "If I may, why do you ask?"
The most useful way I found to do this is by using more words. Instead of asking just a single-worded "why", I try to include some of the context, some of my reason for asking, in the question. Basically, ask yourself why you're asking "why" first.
So, in case of people telling me about e.g. liking a certain hobby, instead of asking them "why", I ask what they like about it the most, or what got them started and stick with it.
For work, instead of asking "why" or " why do you need this", I would include a mention of doing just a quick check to make sure that the person asking has everything they need and won't need to come back later for even more, then ask if they can share for what purpose they plan to use X, Y and Z.
Usually, this ends up going well. For casual conversations it gives people a chance to talk more about themselves which they always seem to like, and for work people end up expressing gratitude towards me for trying to help them in the best way possible and adding my thoughts to theirs. Though for work, there sometimes is the occasional 'none of your business' still, but at least those people don't seem to think I'm skeptical of their request.
As a side effect of asking things in the way described above, some coworkers people have also started to automatically include their reasons for asking for a specific thing at times, which makes the conversations with them move on a bit quicker.
In each of these cases, you could start by indicating agreement.
"I need reports of X, Y, and Z."
"Sure, what's the context?"
or
"I really like hunting"
"Nice, what do you like about it?"
This establishes that you're aligned with their needs/interests, but are interested in further information.
Even in a case where you really are prevented from (eg) giving the reports without further info, you could always start with something like "Happy to help. Just so I can make sure I have the right reports, what do you need them for?"
This has worked for me in situations where I'd been the point of contact for an often-misunderstood project, and often had people asking questions about it who I didn't want to mislead with a right-answer, wrong-context response. I wanted to convey that I was asking for followup information as part of my attempt to help, rather than out of obstructionism, and from what I could tell, my querents were satisfied with this approach.
I’m genuinely curious, sometimes when I ask “why,” it seems to trigger anger or defensiveness. It feels like my simple question turns into a “why not” challenge or confrontation.
For me, asking “why” is meant to be a neutral, exploratory question, an invitation to be humble, to admit I am ignorant, and to explore perspectives I haven’t considered. But I’ve noticed that even when I try to ask genuinely, the words and phrasing I choose can sometimes come across as critical or challenging.
I wonder—is it because “why” carries some implicit assumptions in social interactions, or is there another reason behind this? I’m curious how other people experience this.
I’ve learned so much from the perspectives and insights shared in this sub, and I really appreciate it. I value this space and hope that “why” can remain a tool for curiosity and understanding, not confrontation or anger.