YouTube video (original content): This is why you're still single in 2024

TLDW:

There was a recent post implying that Christian marriage rates are decreasing. This is not true. While marriage rates are falling on the whole, the marriage rate among Christians remains steady. (source) Although many societal factors come into play with regards to the difficulty of finding a high-value spouse (and I agree that it can be tremendously difficult for most Christians), the ultimate reasons are more in our control than we like to admit:

1. You are not in a place where you are valued or have good options

2. You are not searching hard enough or long enough

3. You are not attractive enough to the kind of person you want to attract

Here's a few examples I see from this subreddit:

1. You are not in a place where you are valued or have good options

   1. Example: "I'm the only Christian in my entire town in northern India!"

   2. Example: "I live in Podunk, Nebraska, and still live with my parents"

2. You are not searching hard enough or long enough

   1. Example: "I put up a dating app profile and I go to church. Where are all of the hot single Christians my age?!?!"

   2. Example: "I just turned 18 and I'm so depressed that I'm single" (me: lol)

3. You are not attractive enough to the kind of person you want to attract

   1. Example: "I'm a 7/10, I think, but for some reason the guys I think are cute ignore me!"

   2. Example: "I don't go to church or have a job, but I want a Christian trad wife"

The solution:

1. Honestly assess your deficiencies.

   1. This can be hard to do on your own. Its easy to have blind spots. Moreover, friends and family will frequently tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. DM me if you want help at no cost.

2. Apply this three-pronged dating strategy

   1. Be where you're valued and have options

      1. This doesn't necessarily mean moving, but for some people, it does. It can also mean expanding your search zone, changing churches, changing social circles, etc.

   2. Cast a wide net

      1. Average-looking men and women can expect searching for a high value spouse to feel like a part-time job, at least at first

   3. Continuously self-improve

      1. Physically, emotionally, socially, professionally (mainly for men), spiritually

3. Collect data and iterate accordingly

   1. Many Christians don't understand what they want (or need) in a spouse. In their desperation to marry young (or because of lust), they marry the first person that reciprocates strong interest. I know a lot of marriages that failed because of this. I'm not telling anyone its wrong to marry your first love. But for most people, the safest course of action is to gather data about what you want and what you're able to attract. That way you can go into marriage with the peace of mind that you didn't settle.

Question: Would you say that you know why you're single but simply won't act on it? Or would you say you're uncertain about why you're single?

This is a long and kind of deep post but there is a summary towards the bottom.

I’ve been thinking about decline in marriage rates and the subsequent decline in birth rates round the world. The Christian community has been following the secular trend of marrying less and having less kids. (Per Perplexity: “Within Christian communities, particularly among evangelicals, marriage rates are still higher than the general population but are also declining. For example, among evangelicals aged 20 to 39, the percentage married dropped from 56% in 2014 to 51% in 2018. This decline is steeper than in the broader population, where the rate for the same age group fell from 42% to 40% over the same period.”)

I think it will only get worse.

All relationships, even Christian ones whether platonic or romantic, are based on quid pro quo. There is a mutual benefit for any relationship to take place. This is why assortative mating takes place even in Christian marriages. Christianity doesn’t cause people to love unconditionally. Men still desire what they want. They would prefer a Rachel (pretty) over a Leah (not pretty). Women still desire what they want. They will desire a Boaz (rich) over a John the Baptist (homeless).

In the past, women needed men for security, such as finances and protection. Men needed women for children to work in the family business and to receive family inheritance. In current society, women and men need each other less. Women can make their own money and society can provide protection through police. Men largely do not have family businesses and few have any inheritance to pass down.

This will only get worse with technology, namely AI and robotics. In current society, men are still mainly the pursuer in romantic relationships as they have a stronger desire for physical and arguably emotional intimacy. Men are usually more isolated. Women though lower testosterone do not need physical intimacy as much and can get emotional intimacy from friends (both female and male) or therapists (both female and male).

What happens when men’s desire for physical and emotional intimacy can be satisfied by technology? AI and robotics will only get better. Imagine this. There is an AI companionship program that syncs to text and phone and computer. The user can customize the appearance of the agent, the voice, the desired level of femininity, the quirks or unique traits that give the agent a personality. Not only will this agent be more beautiful than most women, it has high IQ so can discuss about any topic in details. It is an excellent conservationist and is good about reciprocal conversation and can come up with topics to discuss about. It will never ghost. It is always in a pleasant mood or when it sounds mad, it is because it felt ignored. It never criticizes. In Japan, digital girlfriends is a thing.

As technology advances, the AI companion can be made into a robot that looks and feels eerily human. The robot can play the role of a wife and perform everything, again everything, a wife can do. Then small robots can play the role of kids. The robotic family members will play the roles perfectly. They won’t get sick. They won’t whine or nag. And they’ll make you feel important. They can go on vacations with you in self-driving cars. You can take photos with them and share the photos on social media.

Twenty years ago, I played a game called Guild Wars. It was a difficult game that was meant to be played with other players. The game added AI team members a gamer can recruit, called henchmen, that can fulfill different roles: front line, mid-line, and back line. This allowed him to explore or beat a mission when he couldn’t find other people to team up with. The henchmen were pretty under-powered as this encouraged people to team up with others. After a few years, the game introduced heroes, which are AI team members a player can customize. A customized AI team member is extremely powerful as he can choose skills that AI can use better than humans. Heroes if customized correctly and used correctly are more powerful than most human-controlled characters. With henchmen or heroes, they will follow directions and they are predictable. They will not sabotage the mission or log off in the middle and leave him stranded. As a result, teaming up with real people is not done unless the gamer is very intentional.

In the same way, AI and robotics and advance in technology will kill men’s pursuit of most women. Social media and relative financial comfort already killed women’s desire for most men in wealthy countries.

The future is dystopian. Men and women will need each other less and less. That too will negatively affect marriage formation and birth rates. Babies may be created in laboratories and this will lead to eugenics.

In the future, there will be even even more financial imbalance with the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. There won’t be an uprising as long as everyone has shelter and food and companionship. The basics will be easily available thanks to advance in technology. Marriage may be a luxury in the future, something that is intentional not for romantic reasons but to cement family partnerships. Anyways, finances and wealth in the future is another topic I may address in another post.

---

AI-Generated Summary

Marriage and Birth Rates Are Declining Globally: The writer observes that both marriage and birth rates are falling worldwide, including within Christian communities. Although evangelicals still marry at higher rates than the general population, their marriage rates are also dropping—and at a faster pace.

Relationships Are Transactional: The author argues that all relationships, even Christian ones, are fundamentally based on mutual benefit (quid pro quo). Assortative mating—choosing partners based on desirable traits—still occurs among Christians. Men and women continue to seek partners who fulfill their preferences (e.g., men for beauty, women for status or resources), regardless of religious beliefs.

Changing Social and Economic Needs: Historically, women needed men for security and men needed women for children and inheritance. Today, these needs have diminished: women can earn their own income and rely on societal protections, while men are less likely to have family businesses or significant inheritances.

Technology's Impact: Advances in AI and robotics are predicted to further reduce the need for traditional relationships. The author imagines a future where AI companions and robots can fulfill emotional, physical, and even familial roles, making real human relationships less necessary.

Social Isolation and Gender Differences: Men, who are typically more isolated and seek intimacy, may increasingly turn to AI or robotic companions. Women, who may have less need for physical intimacy and can find emotional support elsewhere, may also feel less incentive to pursue marriage.

Dystopian Outlook: The writer foresees a future where marriage and family formation become rare, possibly replaced by laboratory-created babies and eugenics. Economic inequality may worsen, but widespread discontent will be muted as technology provides basic needs and artificial companionship. Marriage could become a luxury, pursued intentionally for partnership rather than romance.

Supporting Data from Search Results:

Marriage rates in the U.S. and among Christians are at historic lows and continue to decline.

This trend is seen as negative by many religious groups, who worry about its impact on society and faith communities.

Factors include delayed marriage, changing economic roles, and shifting cultural values.

Technology and social changes are further reducing the perceived necessity of marriage and family life.

Conclusion:

The passage predicts that social, economic, and technological changes will continue to erode traditional marriage and family structures, including within religious communities. The future may see a rise in artificial companionship and a decline in human relationships, with marriage becoming an intentional, possibly exclusive, choice rather than a societal norm.

I have a serious question or rather two. ( I want to add this is regarding women and men.) Do you think porn (and self-pleasure substitutes such as masturbation which I think we can agree is not good) is holding many single Christians back from "fully" pursuing marriage? I agree that finding a mate is certainly more complex nowadays. However, there are a lot of things in life worth accomplishing or obtaining that are challenging.

Most men by nature are hunters (I don't mean this in a predatory way regarding marriage) but in the olden times they would hunt to provide game for their families. Many times they would not return home until they found something. If they gave up because it was hard they wouldn't eat. Women have their ways of being persistent too. So for so many Christians to throw up their hands and give up on marriage in their 20's or 30's it's very puzzling. It's interesting that some believers are essentially sleeping on the second biggest decision of their life. In addition, there are many Christians aged mid-thirties and older who still don't know if their ready to commit to marriage or have kids.

Which leads me to my second question do you think selfishness is another BIG hinderance that is inhibiting many believers from getting married? Wanting to live life unbothered and conveniently. Set in your ways so to speak. If this is the case how much regret do you think will ensue when many are old and alone? I would love to know your honest thoughts.

I would also recommend checking out John MacArthur's sermon on YouTube: The Willful Submission of a Christian Wife (Ephesians 5:22-24) Particularly the first 12 minutes. He discusses some of these points and more, very insightful.

I read a statistic a few months ago that showed fundamental Christian marriages have a 32-34% divorce rate. Atheist divorce rate is 1-2%. What are we as Christians not doing right? And those of you seasoned saints of God, what did you do or not do that has made your marriages last 30, 40, 50 or more years? I made mistakes in mine. I’m looking to learn a lot in my time of “exile”. I don’t want to go through this again and want to help others avoid this. We should be the light and salt of the world.

I'm in my early twenties and have observed a lot of Christan couples getting engaged during the first year (or even after 6 months) and getting married shortly there after. Why did you decide to get married so early? I understand that every couple is different and has a time that suits them but less than a year seems a bit insane to me. I would envision 2-3 years together at least?

So why did you do it so early? How is it going? And do you wish you had waited longer? Thanks